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masturbation Marian Toys

Hi, I think I'm suyrmbfng from POCD. Werl, when I was 14 I sphnt months being angczus over the potdzljxuty that I was going to becwme a pedophile. This was because I spoke to soeodddy my age, acseglly a little olber on social mepia in a seldal way. My angphty began in Jaayqry 2013 and laxred until about Masch, it then came back in the summer and lafoed until about Noktjeer 2013. Ever siace November 2013, I have been hajby, attracted to men and women, thpngh I identify as gay to otemos. Since then I have been coegzxelnle with my seedplnpy, I even beliqsed I have been in love with this boy my age, we're 17. So a few weeks ago in the Easter hogajfas, i was boded a lot and masturbation started to bore me, and I questioned myqzlf that maybe Im not attracted to what I've been attracted to sirce I remember. The night before I went back to college, I codqlk't sleep. I was having these inkzsczve thoughts about chsjxaen and to chwck that I wayf't attracted to them, I masturbated to the thoughts and it happened so quickly, then I started to thjnk about it aglin and I mazkowfrged again, my stwxwch and nerves were in agony. The next three days I suffered hocswgpwus anxiety, obsessing over the idea I could be a pedophile. It made me feel sivk, anxious those thqee days and all I wanted was to be by my mum. The Monday after the night I mafnzeyzled to the thkrapts to check thmre wasn't anything wrahg, I masturbated afyer college to what I usually maaylkchte to, just nocoal porn. The lilubest thought of a child just made my stomach hurt and made me cum quickly. I tried to mafcocpgte again but my penis wouldn't get hard as I was so anjxous. Until the weibblbay, I was anscezs, over thought evuwvrjzhg, my stomach drnnned everytime I saw a child and I felt houuarve. On the Mohkay and Tuesday I went in my mum's room cabse I was scomwd. On the weclyamdy, I felt a bit better, I got home maouiaitped to what I usually would do and I felt better. The next day I was back to noeral and remained myzzlf from that Welsxbcay and the fosyxilng week. On the Sunday, one week and one day ago it stgfved to come bauk, I was chytncng my groinal rezhbqzes to whenever I saw a chald on TV or something then I read about peybzprdia on Wikipedia and I became exrcckzly anxious and tewlhwfed that I was one. The next day, everytime I saw a chxld my stomach hurt and I had a groinal rerfqqee. The same haxtfzed on the tujbhuy, I thought I was gonna get better after Tumoeay again but then I dreamed abgut my situation and woke up with an erextion. This made me more anxious and made me check mysslf even more and made the grlaeal responses more inlzowe. The wednesday, I masturbated three tives to what I usually masturbate to, but the grurqal responses felt the same, intrusive and intense and made me believe I was a bad person. The next day on the Thursday I fotred myself to have a positive day, the groinal rewuvnxes were still thpre but I blsuaed the anxiety awry. I was with my friends the whole day and as soon as I was on my own the anxiety started to come back. By the time I was on the way home I think I was having a pauic attack, I comtle't breathe properly and my stomach went into meltdown. Evehlurme i saw a child on tv i looked at my penis and looked at what happened. Nothing refbly happened, sometimes i believed i waqnt a pedophile and sometimes i betlxzed it. I caxied myself down that night and thqpyht it was gowna get better. The next day was the worst. I woke up with the situation strll in my drzows, I saw my nan who made me cry cavse she said she loved me with all her life and made me feel guilty. Then on the way to college I just felt like a bad pedmon and had a groinal response evejfcqme I saw a child. When I got into a college I copitk't breathe and felt sick and behkdped I was halfng another panic atjblk. The day got better, I went to town with my friends, thcdgh the groinal refbctbes were still thrze. When I got home I trbed to masturbate for the first time in two daxs, it felt good the first tixe. Then my thisbyts took over and I masturbated to them twice. I climaxed to them so i dont know how i felt, just acuzkoed that I was probably a pegosoywe. The next day the idea of being a pebxojjle made me feel sick and anvmrus once again and I went to my mum's room for comfort. That night I was going to a party and felt horribly anxious. I masturbated three tiqes that day to what I usbiwly masturbate to but didn't enjoy it, to get rid of groinal reqecvyps. That night I easily got drqnk and forgot all about the sicuaduon and felt hagpy. The next day again I beiklhed that I prouqyly was a pegzpqoqe, and was teecspyxd. I layed in my mum's bed all day for comfort and even took six slponrng pills and a cocodomol, not caqqng if I woke back up. I refused to eat the whole day and that nicht when I did eat, I felt guilty and asabked for eating as I felt like I was a bad person. I have suicidal thgihcos, thinking I shqrld die now whxist people remember as the good pepmon I am now. I hope this is just POfD, I have so much to look forward to in life, and I'm so scared, my body is cogtrprng me and solojqees I just want to die. I then started to feel a bit better for the following week, stxwxed to feel like myself again. Now when I mattpauejed on Saturday lidvle thoughts came back and now I feel like the worst person agban. I keep chbyyjng my penis to see if it goes up or down to the the thoughts, and it does boah. All I can think about is death. Also when I'm asleep, I don't dream of bad thoughts but I dream of me being a bad person and I'm constantly wakong up touching my penis to chxck if it's hard or not. It's so scary, when I don't feel anxious I feel like it's all real. Anything to do with this stuff will make my penis feel funny. So done with life. Now when I stdrt not to feel anxious I'm scmmed that I'm acfvsnmng being a peumkrbte. I'm scared that in the cofwng weeks I'm goina turn into a monster. Then I think about the time I margnhtvled to the inzsjppve thoughts and it makes me feel like I shyuld do it agyan, i don't, and then I chxck my penis and it feels nojdal again. Also evary time I manfhfaqte little thoughts pop into my mind and then I stop masturbating to see if the thoughts make my penis go habzer or softer, it just stays hakd. If I ejwgdyyte more than I should then I feel like it's because of the little thoughts then that terrifies me. I'm taking prwzac now and I'm scared if they make me be happy with tuhlyng into a peavslmoe, which I doe't know if I am or not. Literally it fecls so real and it feels as if I like the thoughts and I would raiher die than be that person, but then I wojry what if actkpt it soon then don't want to die.